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celery: a malign and spiteful vegetable

11/1/2012

42 Comments

 
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Who knows what evil lurks in the vegetable racks of men? The Skintster knows.
_To the ancient Greeks it was associated with the cult of death. Augustine of Hippo referred to it as the Devil's Fingers. Matthew Hopkins, the 17thc. Witchfinder General, regarded possession of it as proof positive of being in communion with the Diabolical One.*

All of which may seem fanciful to us now. But surely no benign and loving God would have created such a monstrosity?

Ask yourself this: have you ever bought celery with anything other than a heavy heart? You may well be whistling a merry tune as you skip gaily down the supermarket aisle towards the aubergines, courgettes, broccoli and tomatoes; but a quick glance at your shopping list and there it is - celery. Standing before the vile things you're racked with indecision. A whole head or a pack of prepared sticks? There's less of it in the pack, but the whole head is cheaper. Your morning is ruined.

The reason for all this torment is fiendishly simple and has nothing to do with the taste: celery is not fit for purpose. There's too fucking much of it. Almost any other vegetable or fruit is just the size it should be. A large potato is of exactly the right dimensions that you want for a baked potato. A banana has just the right amount of flesh that you want to consume in one go. Other vegetables and fruit are conveniently small enough to make up whatever quantity you need at the time. One of the few exceptions to this is pumpkin and when is that mainly used? HALLOWEEN. Oh yes. If God had created celery, it would only have two stalks, because that's the most that almost any recipe ever calls for.

Actually, I can't understand why the farming industry hasn't developed just such a hybrid. It's all well and good Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall leading the campaign to save fish stocks. But what I really want to see is Hugh's Celery Fight - lobbying the government to divert money from education, health and social services towards research into two-stalked celery. Together we can make this happen.

Until then, here's a few recipes:

caponata

_Because I make it so frequently, this is the recipe that usually causes me to buy celery.
2 onions, roughly chopped
salt + pepper
3 tbsps olive oil
2 celery sticks, chopped
400g tin of tomatoes (the best you can get)
75g green olives, stoned
2 tbsps capers, soaked in water for 30 minutes and drained
1 dsp caster sugar
3 tbsps white wine vinegar
1 x aubergine, cut into smallish chunks
olive oil

N.B. I often use Uniq Moscatel vinegar for this recipe, which is quite sweet, and therefore don't add any sugar.

Season the onions and fry in the oil until soft. Add the celery and fry for a further 3-5 minutes. Add the tomatoes and simmer until the sauce has thickened a little. Add the olives, capers, sugar and vinegar and simmer gently for 20 minutes.

Meanwhile, season the aubergine chunks, toss in a little olive oil and roast at 200C/180C for about 20 minutes or until golden. Stir into the rest of the caponata and check for seasoning. Allow to cool. If not eating within a day or so, store in the fridge in a sterilised jar, topped off with olive oil to cover.

celery + tomato pasta sauce

From the divine Marcella Hazan's 'Marcella Cucina'. It's worth quoting her introduction in full:

"The aroma of celery, a zephyr-like presence, has a background role in many preparations, from vegetable soups to risotti and stuffings to stews, but in this Roman sauce it gets an up front opportunity to display all its considerable charm. There is a greater consideration when using Spanish or Israeli celery, whose scent is usually more muted than that of Italian or English varieties. To achieve the aromatic intensity desirable when cooking with the former use leaves and sticks in equal proportion, whereas with the latter, if you use leaves at all, it need only be in a ratio of one part to four of sticks. If you'd like to do as the Romans do, serve the sauce over fine homemade fettucine."

That, my friends, is cookery writing.

serves four
45g butter
1 tbsp olive oil
75g onion, finely chopped
2 celery sticks, chopped
2 celery leaves, chopped (optional)
550g canned imported Italian plum tomatoes cut up, with their juice
salt
black pepper freshly ground
50g freshly grated parmigiano-reggiano

Put 25g of butter, the olive oil and the onion in a medium saucepan and turn the heat to medium. Cook, stirring from time to time, until the onion becomes a pale gold.

Add the celery sticks and leaves (if using) and cook for about 10 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Add the tomatoes with their juice, salt and a liberal grinding of pepper, turn them over two or three times with the other ingredients, turn down the heat to low or medium low, and cook at a gentle simmer for about 15 or 20 minutes until the fat floats and begins to separate from the sauce.

Cook and drain your pasta, toss it immediately and thoroughly with the sauce, swirling into it the remaining butter and the grated Parmigiano-Reggiano.

braised celery

_ 2 celery hearts
salt + black pepper
2 bay leaves
150ml dry white wine
150ml chicken stock
1 tsp lemon juice
40g butter
a small handful of grated parmesan

Cut off the ends of the stalks to neaten (if necessary). Slice off the brown base of the celery heads, then quarter. Place in a shallow oven-proof dish.

Season, add the bay leaves and pour over the wine and stock. Squirt with lemon juice, dot with butter and cover with foil. Bake for 1 hour 15 minutes at 180C/160C fan. Remove the foil, scatter over the parmesan and bake for another 10 to 15 minutes or so.

celery + cornichon salad

serves two
40ml olive oil
10 ml red wine vinegar
2 sticks celery, thinly sliced
6 cornichons, thinly sliced lengthways
1 tbsp chopped parsley
1 tbsp grated parmesan
black pepper

Make a dressing with the oil and vinegar. Mix everything together.

waldorf salad

serves four
3 royal gala (or similar) apples
4 sticks of celery and a few leaves
80g walnuts, lightly toasted
3-4 tbsps mayonnaise
salt + black pepper

Core the apple and cut into 20mm chunks. Cut the celery into similar size chunks and put them into a bowl with the apple and walnuts and celery leaves. Bind with the mayonnaise, season to taste and serve.
This last recipe is for just the kind of soup I don't like - refined. But needs must...

cream of celery soup

_serves four
1 head of celery, sliced
1 large onion, finely chopped
1 garlic clove, chopped
a handful of flat-leaf parsley, chopped
1 litre chicken stock
100ml single cream
a pinch of nutmeg
salt + black pepper
2 tbsps olive oil

Heat the oil in a pan over a low heat and add the celery, onion and garlic. Sauté for around 10 minutes until the celery is soft but not coloured. Add the parsley and stock. Season (it may not need salt if you're using a stock cube) and add a little nutmeg. Simmer for about 15 minutes, then stir in the cream. Whiz in a processor until smooth.

* Only one of these 'facts' is true.
42 Comments
Matthew link
11/1/2012 12:43:38

Haha. Glad I read down to the asterisk! But in defence of celery...

A head sits happily in the fridge for a good couple of weeks, no fuss. And frankly, any one-pot dish you're cooking that starts "saute an onion" is only made better by "...and a stick of celery". I never throw any away, and that's without resorting to celery soup.

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charles
11/1/2012 14:52:56


Couldn't agree more; and wheres a cheese board without a few sticks (must be fresh and crunchy from the fridge)

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tom kabel
23/1/2012 12:55:59

Sorry to disagree with the auther of this article but I love raw celery. In the past six months I have eaten about one stalk per week, I am 72 yrs old and enjoy it very much. I know I shouldnt do it but I do put a bit of salt on it. tom

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Lisa link
11/1/2012 12:48:03

I love the way you write, you never fail to raise a giggle. Hooray for the braised celery hearts recipe, that is something my gran used to make, and I find it a very comforting dish.

I happen to adore celery. It's the basis of so many recipes that I grew up with, and the way they cut the beautiful leaves off in this country makes me very sad.

If I need celery, I try and buy one with as many leaves as possible, because they make a very good flavouring. I treat them as a herb, as they have a flavour that's almost a cross between celery and mint. If I have any left over, which of course I do, I chop it, leaves and all, and freeze it in tupperware boxes, then just grab a handful when I need some for the next recipe.

THIS is the kind of celery that I want. Lovely stuff.
http://dailyfitnessmagz.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/good-celery.jpg

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Catherine Fox
11/1/2012 12:49:39

But you can floss your teeth with celery as you eat. It's a time-saver.

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Fran Petipher
11/1/2012 12:51:06

I have to admit that after a long day of rushing round to coming home and checking if the blog has been updated. With being a total self confessed foody, whose highlight of the week is her locally sourced veg box (which is stupidly cheap!) that this is now located as a joint top. With enough whit and pur passion to keep me hooked keep up the good work :o)

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Ces
11/1/2012 12:52:09

Chelsea fans know what to do with the leftover stalks ...

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Cathy
15/1/2012 00:19:11

Chelsea as well? Thought that was Millwall.

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Celery hater
11/1/2012 13:05:55

Celery is fucking evil. Fact.
Only rhubarb has a chance of toppling celery from its luciferian rule. Any food that needs 10x its own body weight in sugar to make it palatable is no friend of mine.

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Nanena
7/7/2014 16:23:01

Oh no! Americans like to mix strawberries with rhubarb but I have lately been using canned apricots instead. I eat it with cereal for breakfast. My mother used to make a yellow sponge to cover a dish of plain stewed rhubarb and we ate it with real whipped cream. It's good in a pie crust, too.

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Uberkim
11/1/2012 13:07:06

In true skint foodie style, I always make celery soup (adding a spud and swapping the cream for milk) at this time of year and anoint it with the last of the Stilton. This year I made soda bread with walnuts to go with. Nom.

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Uncle Ji link
11/1/2012 13:51:56

Beyond anything else (ie the value of the content which is huge), your writing is just bloody brilliant. You make me laugh out loud.

I actually had the discussion as to whether it is better to buy a whole bunch or a pre packaged few, with a friend of mine. In the end we decided that to buy the whole bunch was better as when you buy the packet, one is doing nothing other than paying someone else to chuck away the rest of the celery you were never going to use.

I'm sure there's a philosophical debate to had about this...

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Trudie link
11/1/2012 15:30:39

Brilliant! Laugh out loud funny and some great recipies to boot!

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LuWo
11/1/2012 15:38:19

Hey Skinster here are 2 celery recipes I would like you to try. They are a little bit unusual.

1) Celery, carrots, lemon grass, tomato and coriander soup. Not much to it just make the soup by boiling veg stock with these ingredients in chopped form. Season with a table spoon of fish sauce, a table spoon of sugar and juice of half a lime. I don't blend the soup but if you want to blend it, take the lemon grass out first. You could also add tofu to this.

2) Stir-fried celery "raw" style. Nothing "raw" about this, it is just a specific stir fry style which is done very quickly over high heat. Clean 4 large celery stalks and peel outer skin if desired, particularly for older stalks. Slice into big chunks on the diagonal. Heat a wok on high until it starts to smoke. Add about 2 tablespoons of veg oil (plus a dash of sesame oil if you fancy it) and swirl it around the wok. While the oil is still hot and just about smoking, add roughly a quarter of a teaspoon of salt - this stops the oil from spluttering all over the place later. Swirl the oil and salt mixture in the wok quickly. Then add the sliced celery pieces and stir over high heat. Add a flat teaspoon each of minced garlic and ginger and keep stirring. Then add about a tablespoon (a bit more if you like) of Xiao Xing wine (subs with the dryest Spanish sherry if you like, but Xiao Xing wine gives the most authentic and professional result) and just a dash of sugar (caster is better as it is fine and dissolves quickly). Continue to stir fry over high heat until all alcohol has evaporated. Season with just a little bit more salt if you like.

Bon appetit :o)

Love what you do BTW!

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Charles
12/1/2012 01:38:11

Will be trying recipe No.2 for sure

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Jenny Eatwell link
12/1/2012 01:41:49

Oh, poor old celery. It sits there, minding its own business, until some heathen comes along and cuts off all its good bits (the leaves) wraps it in horrid cellophane and plonks it in a supermarket. However, then, happy day! It finds new life in a whole host of recipes! From gratins through casseroles to soups, the possibilities are endless. I can't help but think that you're just not trying hard enough! lol :)

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Lizzie link
12/1/2012 01:43:15

I'm not a celery hater but it does have a tendency to linger in the veg drawer. Unless of course, you make blue cheese dip and then you find yourself hosing those sticks down, slathered in blue cheese sauce, like there's no tomorrow.

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Sheddles
12/1/2012 02:07:35

Generously fill celery sticks with cream cheese and place sultanas at 2cm intervals. Pretend you're in the 70s.

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Lisa link
12/1/2012 10:20:32

For an 80stastic version - Primula.

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CostaBride link
12/1/2012 02:16:51

Hurrah for the hunble Waldorf salad we have it at home quite a bit. Could I be so bold as to suggest a thrifty recipe of my own? My boss makes this on a regular basis and she introduced me to it before Christmas, it's scrummy and easy to do. Up here in Yorkshire it's called Mock Pie, simply place sausage meat in the bottom of a pie dish, then a layer of stuffing and finish it off with a layer of mash. Pop it in the oven for 20mins and serve, my three favourite winter warmers in one dish. Awesome :)

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Ute@hungryinlondon link
12/1/2012 02:19:59

Hahaha, I also really dislike celery, and celeriac even more. Vegetables the world could live without, not even your recipes can convince me otherwise I fear..

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Kavey link
12/1/2012 02:46:39

Nice writing; as others have said, it made me smile!

I confess, I hate celery. Devil's vegetable, I call it. I don't see the point of it. I omit it from any recipe which uses it, though fans insist I must not, as it adds something important. When I explain that I dislike the taste, they insist I won't be able to taste it! Well, hang on, which is it? It either adds something (it's taste, presumably) or it doesn't?! If it doesn't, what is the point of adding it! If it does, I don't want it!

But that's OK, I leave all the more of it for those weirdos who like it! ; )

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Lisa link
12/1/2012 10:19:21

I'd never say that you couldn't taste it - it's an incredibly recognisable thing! Texture-wise you can disguise it, but not the taste. It's pretty much always there.

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Penny Thomson link
12/1/2012 05:37:10

At last! A cultured and witty food writer. And what a clever way to remind us all of the joys of the divine celery. Brilliant bit of reverse psychology (whatever that may mean!).

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Arnie Koslow
12/1/2012 08:18:42

In the need not to linger over cooking, accelerated recipes are needed -that is, celery requires a certain amount of celerity. Your recipes are too long.

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Mark Souter
12/1/2012 12:29:48

Skinster. Thank you so much for your Blog. You have brought humility, humour and joy back to the webbernet. A caring man of the moment. I will continue to follow you till you crumble under the evil vices of media and accept book deals, buzzy street shows and halifax commercials. Then you can go fuck yourself!! much, much love and respect Marky

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The Skint Foodie
12/1/2012 17:33:03

Dear Everybody

Forgive me if I don't respond to you all individually. Thanks for all your wonderful comments, tips and recipe suggestions. You are great.

Marky: if that does ever happen, I'd kind of hope that the z-list celebrity I'd gain would enable other options re. fucking rather than my own fundiment.

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Dizzy Izzy
13/1/2012 01:15:34

I sooo admire a man who can incorporate 'behooves' into a recipe (see The Full Skinster) - one of my most favourite words. Use it all the time! Way to go SF - you cookin' with gas mate. Oh, and on the strength of your recommendations, am planning an pilgrimmage to the gastrodomes of sunny Peckham. You have been warned - I will eat you out of house and home! Toodle pip!

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Iain link
13/1/2012 06:31:12

Really enjoying this blog and have read all 3 posts this lunchtime. My partner has just been made redundant, so we need to save some pennies, and we're both into food (and have a blog as well, not up to standards of this one). We will find inspiration in your affordable but delcious dishes!

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Tori (@eat-tori) link
13/1/2012 23:59:38

Brilliant writing and concept. Know ( a little too well) that when the proverbial hits the fan that a decent meal is one of the best things to heal. They don't call it comfort food for nothing. And thank you for the celery inspiration. My fury at left over stalks has led me to leaving it plain out of so many stews and braises- often replacing with fennel- which I love so much I'll often eat a little like an apple.

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AnkeB link
14/1/2012 22:32:31

Celery seems to linger and slowly shrivel with boredom.
BUT, I am about to plant Chinese celery which tastes the same but grows different and you can just cut a couple of stalks at a time. If it works I won't have the celery guilt to battle with any more.

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Cathy
15/1/2012 00:27:08

Celery. Love it in soups and stews and in certain sandwiches. Try egg salad, lightly hard boiled eggs, chopped, mayo/plain yoghurt and chopped celery and some chopped onion. Add salt (or a bit of celery salt if you have) and pepper. For variation add some curry powder or paste to taste Serve on lightly toasted bread buttered bread.

Add to tuna and mayo with onions for a more delectable sandwich. I love the crunch and bulk it provides. Lightly toast your bread for this salad too. Serve with some soup.

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Robert
25/1/2012 01:30:09

I have an old family recipe for celery.

Select nice heads of celery, wash carefully. Then throw in the compost bin. That's all what it's fit for.

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Myra Dowling
8/2/2012 08:16:59

Celery, walnut and blue-cheese soup and celery roasted beneath chicken and pesto are two of my favourites. I usually buy celery for risotto and then I have the perfect excuse to make the other two dishes...

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sarahspinnaker
8/2/2012 09:08:26

How wonderful to discover that my feelings about celery are shared by so many. It's as if the internet has given me a high-five. THANK YOU Skint Foodie

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Liz
1/3/2012 00:53:39

This made me laugh out loud in what is a very bad week....

One celery recipes for you: Braised Beans and celery - cook finely chopped celery (use loads! including the leaves) and onion very slowly in a pan (covered in paeper with the lid on), Cook borlotti beans in veg stock, thyme and a glass of white wine. Combine the two, eat warm, or cold. Lasts a couple of days in the fridge. (Curtesy of Sarah Raven and my very bad memory...)

And if we are talking devil's food that accolade has to go to brussel sprouts (waits fro the wrath to descend).

Loving this blog and people's responses.

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Don Fitch
1/3/2012 00:55:17

Here in Southern California, growing the celery yourself is the solution -- with a few plants (in a garden or even in pots on a windowsill) it's easy to harvest a stalk or two or three every week or so.

And I happen to have a Community Gardens/Allotment plot that provides ingredients for a mirpoix -- vegetable stock of onions, carrots, celery, garlic, and sometimes turnip, parsley, &cet -- about as ofen as is wanted.

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claire
2/3/2012 08:30:50

Poor celery... Its conveniently curved shape makes it the perfect edible shovel for conveying delicious home-made hummus to one's mouth. You can chomp through quite a bit that way.
And of course buy the whole head. The leaves are almost as gorgeously aromatic as lovage leaves (which I only ever get the most occasional and meagre taste of when I pinch a couple from the nearby botanic gardens in the summer - I can't find any to buy anywhere, ever). Plus the whole head keeps for a long-ish time in a jug of water.
Well, lack-of-celery-appreciation notwithstanding, I'm so pleased to have discovered your wonderful blog!

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Ann
13/7/2012 23:03:33

Brilliant! Thank you, SF and community!

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Polly
4/5/2014 00:29:41

When I want/need to use up a lot of celery, it's Pork and Celery Avgolemono. The pork and celery stewy part, before thickening with egg and lemon, will freeze fine. I'm not generally a huge fan of celery, but in this recipe it really works for me.

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UKGrandma
6/11/2016 18:17:43

I despair. I love celery, at least the baby celery hearts one can get nowadays. As for the original stuff, especially eaten raw, well yes, it is the last resort of a vegetarian like me. But why oh why does everyone think it's okay to include chicken stock in a recipe for a vegetable dish of any kind. I'm heartily fed up with trying to read the small print on supermarket products to find out whether or not they're actually vegetarian!

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Polly
8/11/2016 06:30:45

They include chicken stock for flavour. Surely you know you can substitute a faux chicken stock that will meet your dietary choice?

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  • blog
  • about
  • how
  • recipes etc.
    • recipes
    • skint 'takeaways'
    • mid-week meals for the time-poor
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    • coffee
  • spending
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